My journey all started with the feeling of being different. I've felt different almost my whole life and I used to be really bothered by it. I first admitted to myself that I was attracted to girls at the beginning of 10th grade, by that time I had developed a crush on a girl and couldn't deny it any longer. But looking back I knew a lot sooner than that. I think I had always found girls attractive but I had been in denial for a long time. In 10th grade I thought I was bisexual, and I believed that all through high school. I didn't start coming out to people as bisexual until the summer before my senior year, and even then I just told my closest friends. I was so scared of the wrong people finding out and treating me differently for it so I chose to keep it completely to myself for a couple of years before I was brave enough to tell someone.
I was introduced to people in the LGBTQI+ community for the first time in February 2020 and I felt a sense of belonging that I had never felt before. Finally, I met people that I could relate to and that helped me not feel as different. After talking with other people and hearing their coming out stories I began questioning if I was gay because my attraction to women felt so different from my attraction to men. In October 2020 I publicly came out as Queer while I was still in the process of questioning that, since I didn't know which label best described me. After I came out I felt a lot of excitement and relief but that only lasted a few weeks. Then the feeling of being different came back. Something still felt off. I still felt different even around my LGB friends. I think just like with my sexuality I knew it had something to do with my gender but I was in denial again. I wouldn't admit it to myself even though I knew something felt off. I had finally found friends like me so I don't think I wanted to admit to myself that I was different from them. I didn't want to be different again. But in the back of my mind I kept telling myself I was different and not knowing why drove me crazy. That caused me to become really discouraged and upset. I spent a lot of time thinking about it and trying to figure out why I felt that way. Eventually I told myself that I didn't feel like my gender aligned and things started making more sense. I discovered that I have gender dysphoria and that is one reason I have always felt so different. I also found out why my attraction to women feels so different from my attraction to men, I think I might have confused feelings of envy over men's bodies as feelings of physical attraction. I thought I was attracted to men when really it was more like I wanted to look like them. Last March I came out to everyone as non binary, since then I haven't been bothered by my feelings of being different very often. I'm still in the process of exploring my gender, I don't have everything figured out yet but I know that's okay. The most important thing is that I have given myself permission to get to know the real me and am allowing myself to be who I want. What I do know is that I am proud to call myself a Queer Enby and I am really happy about that. I know I have come a long way, even though I still struggle occasionally. Thanks for reading!! I hope everyone has an amazing Pride whether you're out, in the closet or an ally. As always my messages are always open. I love you all!️
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AuthorMy name is Care H. I love traveling and I love writing. I have decided to start blogging about my incredible travel experiences more often. I sometimes also post about other things that are not travel related but travel is the main theme. Three things that I love to write about are travel, LGBTQI+ topics and helping others, including humanitarian and volunteer abroad experiences. I have also posted about things I've experienced while working as a CNA, mental health issues and life accomplishments.
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